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#300980 - 03/04/09 07:58 AM Just for Jokester #11  
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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

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#300981 - 03/04/09 11:04 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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SOUTH TEXAS
For our Canuck friends up North...

Missing Wife...


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first. "The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her. "Stunned, the husband demanded,

"If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."



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#300982 - 03/05/09 02:32 PM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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SOUTH TEXAS
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.


'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.


On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms , and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,

the Wall of Fear, the Screaming MonsterRoller
Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate
shake..


Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'
0A

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.



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#300983 - 03/06/09 08:09 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
Joined: May 2002
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Western Nebraska
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind
catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,

Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


Retired phone dude
#300984 - 03/06/09 02:42 PM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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We live in a retirement community and I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

And I say "Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and gin into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!"


Retired phone dude
#300985 - 03/06/09 03:12 PM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Retired phone dude
#300986 - 03/07/09 08:57 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
Joined: Jun 2006
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Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
It's time to reflect on what a truly Canadian winter is all about. WINTER Poem

It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
I'm frozen to the friggin' ground!


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#300987 - 03/07/09 10:33 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Sarasota FL
I finally figured it out

Bix tools scrape Ice better than 66 blades , no wonder you Guys like them

wink


Skip
------------------------------------

Serving SW and West central Fl since 1984
#300988 - 03/07/09 10:38 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
Joined: Nov 2008
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Williamsburg, Va.
Quote:
Originally posted by skip555:
I finally figured it out

Bix tools scrape Ice better than 66 blades , no wonder you Guys like them

wink
:rofl: clap

Great jokes guys. Keep 'em coming.

Jack


The question is more important than the answer.
#300989 - 03/11/09 05:15 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#300990 - 03/11/09 09:27 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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At the risk of this being labeled political, I submit this one-liner.

Is it coincidence that every proposed law in Congress starts out as a "Bill".

I need to start taking sleeping pills, this popped into my head about 3 AM this morning! smile John C.


When I was young, I was Liberal. As I aged and wised up, I became Conservative. Now that I'm old, I have settled on Curmudgeon.
#300991 - 03/12/09 03:58 PM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Retired phone dude
#300992 - 03/12/09 05:33 PM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
I'd call him "$h!t 4 Brains". Bill did you hear the language? Should give some idea of the idiots I have to put up with all the time :rofl:


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#300993 - 03/13/09 02:53 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo...

They come across the gorilla and notice that the
male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer,
and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks,
'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts,
'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't written...."


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#300994 - 03/13/09 07:02 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Fayetteville, NC
"Is it coincidence that every proposed law in Congress starts out as a "Bill".
I sent this same statement to a friend whose name just happens to be Bill, as well as being a Pastor.
He came back with "Well, we have to get paid somehow!"
And "Remember, Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite. smile "
The 1st was a chuckle, but I almost fell off the chair laughting when I saw read the second one! smile John C.


When I was young, I was Liberal. As I aged and wised up, I became Conservative. Now that I'm old, I have settled on Curmudgeon.
#300995 - 03/13/09 07:35 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Traverse City, Michigan
A kid on a farm gets up for breakfast and sits down to the table for breakfast.

His mother asks; "Did you do your chores yet?"

"Aw come on ma!" The kid says; "I'm hungry!"

"Doesn't matter," his mother replies; "you do your chores before breakfast, that's how it always is."

The kid is furious. On the way out to feed the chickens, he kicks a hen. Then on the way out to slop the hogs, he kicks a pig. Then on the way out to clean the dairy stalls, he kicks a cow.

After he is done, he sits at the table. His mother puts a bowl of dry cereal in front of him.

"Hey!" says the kid; "Where's the eggs, bacon and milk?!"

"Well" his mother replies; "I saw you kick the hen, so no eggs for a week. And I saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And I also saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then, the farmer comes in. On the way in, he kicks one of the cats. His wife looks on flabbergasted and angry. The kid (with a grin on his face) says; "So Ma...are you going to tell him or am I?"

#300996 - 03/14/09 03:51 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
One night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The
alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire
department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short
time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#300997 - 03/14/09 06:21 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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:rofl: :rofl:


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
http://www.commercialcommunicationsco.com/
#300998 - 03/14/09 06:35 AM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
Joined: Jul 2003
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laugh :rofl:

#300999 - 03/17/09 01:43 PM Re: Just for Jokester #11  
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Sarasota FL
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEO's of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'straylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate!"

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the King of them all, gimme a Budweiser!"

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdammt. Give me ein Becks, ja ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya gie me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies: "Well, if ya fookin pansies arent drinkin', then neither am I".


Skip
------------------------------------

Serving SW and West central Fl since 1984
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