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#310990 - 10/29/11 12:43 AM Just for Jokester #13
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Just for Jokester #12

Just for Jokester Index


Enjoy and remember they are only jokes.

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned."

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you learn?"

Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living with a couple of whores."
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#310991 - 10/29/11 03:51 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time..... So ... Do you think we should ....well ..... You know ..... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.
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#310992 - 10/30/11 11:10 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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#310993 - 10/30/11 11:40 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
jeffmoss26 Offline

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Someone has that printed out at work. Classic!
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#310994 - 10/31/11 04:54 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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#310995 - 11/01/11 03:20 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
MnDave Offline

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The world According to Americans
wink :rofl:
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#310996 - 11/02/11 01:22 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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I get a kick out of this guy.
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#310997 - 11/03/11 11:09 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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All that mayhem, and the worst thing outta his mouth is 'heck'...and IT got bleeped...
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Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored, they go for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

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#310998 - 11/03/11 12:49 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13
MooreTel Online   content

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Quote:
Originally posted by MNDAVE:
The world According to Americans
wink :rofl:
What's so funny? :rofl:
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#310999 - 11/03/11 02:13 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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Thanks Bill, for posting that one. I've seen it before, but it still cracks me up. Dad gum it, what a terrific gem!!!
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#311000 - 11/04/11 12:01 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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#311001 - 11/04/11 12:12 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
Wellco Offline
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Love it Merritt..... :rofl:


...bob...
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#311002 - 11/04/11 02:34 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
MnDave Offline

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Posts: 2926
Loc: Eden Prairie, MN
Socially Unacceptable Humor ...

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest member she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend ... yet!


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.


At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.


A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick b*st*rd."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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#311003 - 11/04/11 03:14 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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I almost shot coffee out my nose with the pedophile one....
:rofl:
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#311004 - 11/05/11 03:07 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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#311005 - 11/06/11 12:50 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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#311006 - 11/06/11 01:43 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13
Derrick Offline
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Posts: 3472
Loc: Crestview Fla
I had a fender bender the other day. I rear ended a big black SUV. The driver got out of the car. He was a dwarf. He looked at his busted tail light, looked at me then said:

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!"

I looked at him and said.

"You're not? Well, which one are you?"

And that is when the fight started.


The other night I was trying to find something good to watch on TV. I flipped through all the channels and there was not a thing worth watching. My wife walked into the room, sat down and asked

"What's on the TV tonight?"

"Nothing but dust" I said.

And that's when the fight started.


The other day my wife was standing stark naked in front of her full length mirror.

"Look at me...I am getting old, fat and wrinkled. I look horrible!"

Then she looked over at me.

"I really need you to tell me something good...I wnat a compliment to make me feel better."

I looked at her and said.

"I think your eyesight is still pretty damn good."

And that is when the fight started.


My wife had to "convince" me to take her to a fancy French resturaunt that I didn't want to go to.

After listening to the stuffy waiter go through the fancee menu talking about zee fish and zee poultry, I closed it and said:

"I want a steak, rare, not so rare that it is still mooing or moving, but rare and I want zee French fries to go with it."

He looked down his fancy nose at me and said.

"What about zeee mad cow?"

"She can order for herself!"

And that is when the fight started.
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#311007 - 11/11/11 01:19 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13
MooreTel Online   content

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
_________________________
Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
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#311008 - 11/11/11 01:27 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: "Now that you are grown up, I don't want to hear anymore baby talk. I'd like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. We'll start with Billy."

Billy: "I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt."

Teacher: "No, Billy, it's not a putt-putt. It's a car. No more baby talk. Sally, you're next."

Sally: "We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma."

Teacher: "Sally, it's not a choo-choo. It's a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?"

Mikey: "I didn't go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book."

Teacher: "And what's the name of the book?"

Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.

Teacher: "Come on, Mikey. You're a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and don't use any baby talk."

Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: "Okay... Winnie-the-Shit."
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#311009 - 11/11/11 05:54 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13
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