Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
Page 1 of 25 1 2 3 24 25
#310990 - 10/29/11 04:43 AM Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
metelcom Offline
Admin
metelcom  Offline

Admin
*****

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
Maine, USA
Just for Jokester #12

Just for Jokester Index


Enjoy and remember they are only jokes.

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned."

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you learn?"

Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living with a couple of whores."


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
http://www.commercialcommunicationsco.com/
NEC search for systems, cards, phones, software, manuals and repairs!
NEC Search Enter Part Number
#310991 - 10/29/11 07:51 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,081
Professor Shadow Offline
Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
Professor Shadow  Offline

Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
*****

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,081
Canby, Oregon
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time..... So ... Do you think we should ....well ..... You know ..... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.


Dean

There Are No Stupid Questions
But There Are A LOT Of Inquisitive Idiots
#310992 - 10/30/11 03:10 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,081
Professor Shadow Offline
Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
Professor Shadow  Offline

Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
*****

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,081
Canby, Oregon


Dean

There Are No Stupid Questions
But There Are A LOT Of Inquisitive Idiots
#310993 - 10/30/11 03:40 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 7,903
jeffmoss26 Online content
Member
jeffmoss26  Online Content

Member
*****

Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 7,903
Beachwood, OH
Someone has that printed out at work. Classic!


Jeff Moss

Moss Communications
Computer Repair-Networking-Cabling
MBSWWYPBX, JGAE
#310994 - 10/31/11 08:54 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
metelcom Offline
Admin
metelcom  Offline

Admin
*****

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
Maine, USA


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
http://www.commercialcommunicationsco.com/
#310995 - 11/01/11 07:20 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,928
MnDave Offline
Moderator-Vodavi, Vertical, XBlue
MnDave  Offline

Moderator-Vodavi, Vertical, XBlue
*****

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,928
Eden Prairie, MN
The world According to Americans
wink :rofl:


- Dave S. -

Business and life are like a bank account. You can't take out more than you put in.
#310996 - 11/02/11 05:22 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 16,369
justbill Online content
Admin
justbill  Online Content

Admin
****

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 16,369
Western Nebraska
I get a kick out of this guy.


Retired phone dude
#310997 - 11/03/11 03:09 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,390
JBean3329 Offline
Moderator-Iwatsu
JBean3329  Offline

Moderator-Iwatsu
*****

Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,390
Jamestown, NY
All that mayhem, and the worst thing outta his mouth is 'heck'...and IT got bleeped...


Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored, they go for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.
#310998 - 11/03/11 04:49 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,266
MooreTel Offline
Moderator-Nortel, Computers, General
MooreTel  Offline

Moderator-Nortel, Computers, General
*****

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,266
Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
Quote:
Originally posted by MNDAVE:
The world According to Americans
wink :rofl:
What's so funny? :rofl:


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#310999 - 11/03/11 06:13 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,928
MnDave Offline
Moderator-Vodavi, Vertical, XBlue
MnDave  Offline

Moderator-Vodavi, Vertical, XBlue
*****

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,928
Eden Prairie, MN
Thanks Bill, for posting that one. I've seen it before, but it still cracks me up. Dad gum it, what a terrific gem!!!


- Dave S. -

Business and life are like a bank account. You can't take out more than you put in.
#311000 - 11/04/11 04:01 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
metelcom Offline
Admin
metelcom  Offline

Admin
*****

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
Maine, USA


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
http://www.commercialcommunicationsco.com/
#311001 - 11/04/11 04:12 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 868
Wellco Offline
Moderator-General
Wellco  Offline
Moderator-General
*****

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 868
Rogers, MN USA
Love it Merritt..... :rofl:


...bob...


Bob Wells
WellComm, Inc.

"As long as nobody's dead or in jail, it can't be all that bad ! "
#311002 - 11/04/11 06:34 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,928
MnDave Offline
Moderator-Vodavi, Vertical, XBlue
MnDave  Offline

Moderator-Vodavi, Vertical, XBlue
*****

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,928
Eden Prairie, MN
Socially Unacceptable Humor ...

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest member she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend ... yet!


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.


At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.


A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."


Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!


Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick b*st*rd."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.


- Dave S. -

Business and life are like a bank account. You can't take out more than you put in.
#311003 - 11/04/11 07:14 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,315
BillFlippen Offline
Member
BillFlippen  Offline

Member
*****

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,315
Eugene, OR
I almost shot coffee out my nose with the pedophile one....
:rofl:



TouchPoint Networks.

Serving the Northwest Since 1991
NEC Shoretel Zultys T3 Tadiran
#311004 - 11/05/11 07:07 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
metelcom Offline
Admin
metelcom  Offline

Admin
*****

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
Maine, USA


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
http://www.commercialcommunicationsco.com/
#311005 - 11/06/11 04:50 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
metelcom Offline
Admin
metelcom  Offline

Admin
*****

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,792
Maine, USA


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
http://www.commercialcommunicationsco.com/
#311006 - 11/06/11 05:43 AM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 3,510
Derrick Online sleepy
Retired Moderator
Derrick  Online Sleepy
Retired Moderator
****

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 3,510
Crestview Fla
I had a fender bender the other day. I rear ended a big black SUV. The driver got out of the car. He was a dwarf. He looked at his busted tail light, looked at me then said:

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!!"

I looked at him and said.

"You're not? Well, which one are you?"

And that is when the fight started.


The other night I was trying to find something good to watch on TV. I flipped through all the channels and there was not a thing worth watching. My wife walked into the room, sat down and asked

"What's on the TV tonight?"

"Nothing but dust" I said.

And that's when the fight started.


The other day my wife was standing stark naked in front of her full length mirror.

"Look at me...I am getting old, fat and wrinkled. I look horrible!"

Then she looked over at me.

"I really need you to tell me something good...I wnat a compliment to make me feel better."

I looked at her and said.

"I think your eyesight is still pretty damn good."

And that is when the fight started.


My wife had to "convince" me to take her to a fancy French resturaunt that I didn't want to go to.

After listening to the stuffy waiter go through the fancee menu talking about zee fish and zee poultry, I closed it and said:

"I want a steak, rare, not so rare that it is still mooing or moving, but rare and I want zee French fries to go with it."

He looked down his fancy nose at me and said.

"What about zeee mad cow?"

"She can order for herself!"

And that is when the fight started.


www.myrandomviews
"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income." Chi Chi Rodriquez

Retired, taking photographs and hoping to golf.
#311007 - 11/11/11 06:19 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,266
MooreTel Offline
Moderator-Nortel, Computers, General
MooreTel  Offline

Moderator-Nortel, Computers, General
*****

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 8,266
Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#311008 - 11/11/11 06:27 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,081
Professor Shadow Offline
Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
Professor Shadow  Offline

Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
*****

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,081
Canby, Oregon
On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: "Now that you are grown up, I don't want to hear anymore baby talk. I'd like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. We'll start with Billy."

Billy: "I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt."

Teacher: "No, Billy, it's not a putt-putt. It's a car. No more baby talk. Sally, you're next."

Sally: "We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma."

Teacher: "Sally, it's not a choo-choo. It's a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?"

Mikey: "I didn't go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book."

Teacher: "And what's the name of the book?"

Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.

Teacher: "Come on, Mikey. You're a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and don't use any baby talk."

Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: "Okay... Winnie-the-Shit."


Dean

There Are No Stupid Questions
But There Are A LOT Of Inquisitive Idiots
#311009 - 11/11/11 10:54 PM Re: Just for Jokester #13  
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 16,369
justbill Online content
Admin
justbill  Online Content

Admin
****

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 16,369
Western Nebraska


Retired phone dude
Page 1 of 25 1 2 3 24 25

Moderated by  metelcom 

Refurbished Phones & Equipment Search
TARGETED LEADS Telephone Installers, System Installation & Phone System Sales!
Technician Search, enter State or Zip Code
Shout Box
FREE DESI Labeling System Software!
FREE DESI Labeling Software - Click Here!
Most Recent 5 Post
Digital extension loud ringing bell
by kjwiewall. 08/20/17 01:42 AM
ESI communication servers are a ticking time bomb
by ricktelx. 08/19/17 02:06 AM
Omega-924
by Keyset6. 08/18/17 10:38 PM
Strata CTX100 Caller ID
by adefont. 08/18/17 09:08 PM
Who's Online Now
20 registered members (dexman, Barrontel, jk, Rodava, hbiss, Derrick, kjwiewall, jeffmoss26, DD782, justbill, Yoda, jb-alert@live.com, gelehu, Keyset6, telecom guy10, RNA, STS E, RATHER BE FISHING, hitechcomm, 1 invisible), 255 guests, and 88 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Tech Support Line 1.800.766.3425
Over the Phone Tech Support for your Phones and Business Phone Systems
Popular Topics(Views)
Newest Members
ricktelx, Russel, pitsinos, Ken Livingston, Nori
48220 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums60
Topics89,570
Posts611,345
Members48,220
Most Online4,713
Apr 2nd, 2014
Today's Birthdays
puceekat, Russ - Positronics Telecom, SullyTex, Tel Collector 60, vanmeter
Top Posters(30 Days)
dexman 36
hbiss 23
pvj 17
Free Voip phone with every line!
FREE Voip Phone - Click Here!
Ad Spot for sale $299 This spot gets 5 million page loads per month! Call 1-800-766-3425
Free Phone Repair Diagnostic
Website for sale!
Business and website or sale!
Contact Us | Telephone System Tech Support | Terms of Service

Sundance Communications is not affiliated with any of the above manufacturers.
Copyright Sundance Communications 1998-2016




Trusted Partners
Sitemap