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#603113 - 08/15/16 10:38 AM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
gelehu Offline
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Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 290
Loc: Roanoke,Va USA
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

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#603759 - 09/09/16 06:40 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: gelehu]
JBean3329 Offline

Moderator-Iwatsu
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Registered: 08/09/06
Posts: 1361
Loc: Jamestown, NY
The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble. One day he
called Wibble and said, "What about running my bath Wibble."

"Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?" said
Wibble.

"Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown."

"Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?"

"Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers."

"Certainly, will there be anything else my lord?"

"No Wibble, If I require anything else I shall call you.
The old Lord lowers himself into the water, and lets go a
long fart.

Five minutes later, Wibble returns with a hot water bottle on
a silver tray.
"Here you are my Lord, your hot water bottle," says Wibble.

"I never asked for that," said his Lordship.

To which Wibble replied, "You did my Lord, as you lowered
yourself into the bath, I distinctly heard you say,
'Whadabowdawadderboddlewibble.'
_________________________
Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored, they go for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

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#604167 - 09/25/16 05:06 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
MooreTel Offline

Moderator-Nortel, Computers, General
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Registered: 06/17/06
Posts: 8257
Loc: Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
Irish Remorse

Apology from an Irish Hospital... SUCH COMPASSION

DEAR MR. MURPHY,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We deeply regret the amputation
_________________________
Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!

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#604220 - 09/28/16 09:01 AM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
dans Offline
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Registered: 04/13/05
Posts: 2015
Loc: St. Louis, Mo 63025
Blonde calls her boyfriend all flustered, she bought a new jigsaw puzzle and can't seem to get it started, can you come over and help? He asks her what is the picture on the box? She replied its a tiger, he tells her I'll be right over.
He arrives at her apartment takes a look at the box and see's all the pieces on the table, he proceeds to put all the pieces back in the box. To ease up her emotions he takes her hand, sits her down at the table and says lets talk about his over a bowel of Frosted Flakes
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#604238 - 09/28/16 01:27 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dans]
dexman Online   content
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Registered: 12/21/05
Posts: 6989
Loc: Arlington, Massachusetts
Originally Posted By: dans
To ease up her emotions he takes her hand, sits her down at the table and says lets talk about his over a bowel of Frosted Flakes


A "bowel" of Frosted Flakes? sick
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#604239 - 09/28/16 01:41 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
MooreTel Offline

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Registered: 06/17/06
Posts: 8257
Loc: Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
probably how she felt when he explained it to her. LOL
_________________________
Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!

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#604240 - 09/28/16 02:25 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
gelehu Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/03
Posts: 290
Loc: Roanoke,Va USA
GOOD BYE COCA COLA - HELLO PEPSI!!


Pfizer and Pepsi to merge...

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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#604302 - 09/29/16 07:36 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
Arthur P. Bloom Online   content
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Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 3059
Loc: Shelter Island, New York
"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" asked the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife. After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
_________________________
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#604654 - 10/10/16 04:01 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
telephonegunner Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/05
Posts: 266
Loc: DENVER, CO USA
My One day of employment at Wal Mart

So after landing my new job as a Wal Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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TG

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#605316 - 11/05/16 09:04 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
justbill Online   content

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Edited by justbill (11/05/16 09:05 PM)
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#605318 - 11/05/16 11:49 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
EV607797 Offline

Moderator-Vertical, Vodavi, 1A2, Outside Wire
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Registered: 01/21/05
Posts: 14581
Loc: Metropolitan Washington, DC (N...
Priceless!
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New Phone Systems and Service

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#607381 - 01/24/17 03:24 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
justbill Online   content

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Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 16337
Loc: Western Nebraska
Hello everyone. I need a favor. My cousin has 2 tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 for each ticket, but didn't realize when he bought them last year, that it was going to be the same day of his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.The wedding is at Temple of God Church at 3pm. Her name is Michelle; she is 5'6, about 135 lbs, good cook, and loves to cuddle... she'll be the one in the white puffy dress! Enjoy!
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Retired phone dude

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#607386 - 01/24/17 03:42 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: justbill]
hitechcomm Offline
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Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 3442
Loc: New York, NY
Let me think about it........
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#607606 - 02/04/17 04:29 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
justbill Online   content

Admin
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Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 16337
Loc: Western Nebraska
After President Trump's executive order to proceed with the Dakota Pipeline, American and Canadian officials toured the proposed route yesterday. A Trump spokesman said the tour went well.










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Retired phone dude

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#607612 - 02/04/17 11:26 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
RATHER BE FISHING Online   content

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Registered: 08/22/04
Posts: 8710
Loc: SOUTH TEXAS
Got a good chuckle out of that one.
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#608121 - 02/21/17 04:13 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
justbill Online   content

Admin
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Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 16337
Loc: Western Nebraska
OK I know a bit lame, but still cute.

The AMA [American Medical Association] has weighed in on Trump's health care package:

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but
the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while
the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while
the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
While the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
_________________________
Retired phone dude

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#608605 - 03/07/17 04:38 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
MooreTel Offline

Moderator-Nortel, Computers, General
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Registered: 06/17/06
Posts: 8257
Loc: Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
Medical distinction

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both could be fatal.
_________________________
Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!

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#608611 - 03/07/17 07:27 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
justbill Online   content

Admin
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Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 16337
Loc: Western Nebraska
_________________________
Retired phone dude

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#609377 - 03/31/17 01:10 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
Professor Shadow Offline

Moderator Sprint-Tadiran
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Registered: 12/16/07
Posts: 1893
Loc: Canby, Oregon
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, A Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, Two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian all go out to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."
_________________________
Dean

There Are No Stupid Questions
But There Are A LOT Of Inquisitive Idiots

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#610031 - 04/30/17 05:44 PM Re: Just For Jokester Number 15. [Re: dexman]
justbill Online   content

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Registered: 05/22/02
Posts: 16337
Loc: Western Nebraska
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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Retired phone dude

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