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#307544 - 04/06/10 08:50 PM Just for Jokester #12  
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Just for Jokester #11

Just for Jokester Index


Enjoy and remember they are only jokes.


Merritt

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#307545 - 04/10/10 02:03 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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RATHER BE FISHING Online content
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SOUTH TEXAS
The economy is so bad that ...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or
them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard
Madoff scandal. Oh, great! The guy who made $50
billion disappear is being investigated by the
people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the
economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security,
retirement funds, etc., that I called the Suicide
Helpline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when
I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could drive a truck.


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#307546 - 04/10/10 02:39 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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mdaniel Offline
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:rofl: :rofl: LOL Dave.


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#307547 - 04/13/10 05:32 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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SOUTH TEXAS
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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#307548 - 04/13/10 07:32 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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Mt. Sidney, Va.
Thanks Dave, I needed something funny tonight. laugh

#307549 - 04/13/10 09:31 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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KLD Offline
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KS
....and, Dave, where can I find this Pepsi product?


Ken
---------
#307550 - 04/14/10 07:43 AM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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JBean3329 Offline
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Jamestown, NY
Mum is working in the kitchen when Dad enters with his first erection in years. 'Mum ... get into bed,' he says. She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undies gets on the bed, feet in the air, legs apart ... but all too late. Dad has withered away.

'Yer know Mum ... we can't 'ave this 'appen agin,' says Dad. 'Next time I git one of these boners, I'll ring the firebell so you start gittin' ready when youse hears it. When I git to the house with it, we'll be right to go.'

Months go by.

Mum's in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the firebell. She goes through all the preparations real quick! Dad comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Mum lies waiting for him, legs wide apart, feet in the air. He looks at her and says, 'Get up, yer silly old oversexed cow ... the bloody barn's on fire!


Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored, they go for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.
#307551 - 04/16/10 05:15 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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Heres a uTube video for the fishermen out there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BqcEXObOvU


Merritt

Business Telephones & Equipment + Commercial Audio/Video Products
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#307552 - 04/18/10 08:58 AM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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JBean3329 Offline
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Jamestown, NY
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play
racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his manhood. "He's
not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his package.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the
unit.

He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he
runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member
of this club."


Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored, they go for a stroll through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.
#307553 - 04/19/10 08:14 AM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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Silversam Online content
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NYC
Driving Miss Daisy.

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time — just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

‘Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?’

‘Oh yes, Papa’ the girl replied, ‘and do you know what? We didn’t see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse’s ass anywhere we went today!’

Sam


"Where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?"
#307554 - 05/04/10 12:10 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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soyons-expositifs Offline
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Posts: 756
quebec canada
an oldie but goodie:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later
discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying
to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft
said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret
code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as
"unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3
sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If
God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,
He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our
point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a
Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered
as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."


Jay, a recovering IT guy
#307555 - 05/09/10 05:03 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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MooreTel Online content
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Lennoxville, Quebec, Canada
My wife & I were lying in bed the other night when I noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

I grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

My wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

I calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right." laugh


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
Dave. (CTUB) Canadian Techs Use Bix!
#307556 - 05/09/10 05:27 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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Lightninghorse Offline
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Fayetteville, NC
Yeah, but Dave, you are from Cana... oh never mind. It's a joke, huh. smile


When I was young, I was Liberal. As I aged and wised up, I became Conservative. Now that I'm old, I have settled on Curmudgeon.
#307557 - 05/26/10 06:20 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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RATHER BE FISHING Online content
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SOUTH TEXAS
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***in' wall."


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#307558 - 05/27/10 08:41 AM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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dans Offline
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St. Louis, Mo 63025
2 men in their fifty's are at the bar, its about 9:00 PM and the ones say I gotta go its my third night in a row Ive been here and my wife is going to be pissed off. His friend looks at him and says I have the perfect solution to keep you out of hot water, this is what you do. Close the bar down that way you know your wife is in bed sleeping, sneak into your room, make sure your very quiet, from the foot of the bed crawl under the covers to your wife, pull off her panties and go down on her, believe me she will not be made when your done. The other guys says can't hurt I'll do it.
They close the bar down and the one man gets home, being as quiet as possible sneaks into the bedroom and can see in the shadow his wife sleeping, he goes to the foot of the bed, crawls under the covers, pulls his wife's panties off and goes down on her. For some reason unknown to him his wife is really responding, moaning like she hasn't for years and has this earth shattering orgasim. Feeling proud of himself he gets out of bed walks into the bathroom where he runs into his wife, stunned he starts to stutter what, how, I ahhh, his wife cuts him off and says be quiet YOU'LL WAKE MOTHER


We get old too soon, smart too late
#307559 - 05/27/10 03:41 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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schup Offline
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Posts: 118
Ellinwood, Kansas
A female friend of mine passed this along....

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at
the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'


The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.


The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. - Mark Twain
#307560 - 06/05/10 10:03 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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justbill Online content
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Western Nebraska
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


Retired phone dude
#307561 - 06/06/10 10:20 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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justbill Online content
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Western Nebraska
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot..' Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips ?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits It. That'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much.


Retired phone dude
#307562 - 06/07/10 07:20 AM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 393
Jim Bennett Offline
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Jim Bennett  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 393
Hills of PA
While at the zoo the other day, I noticed a sign on the monkey cages warning people not to mess with the monkeys, because they were trained in martial arts. Curious, I asked one of the guides about it.

It turns out they are skilled in an ancient style of fighting known as "Phlung Pu."

Jim
****************************************************
No signature line here due to budget cutbacks.

#307563 - 06/07/10 06:06 PM Re: Just for Jokester #12  
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Posts: 11
MikeJ Offline
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MikeJ  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 11
Ontario Canada
An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch,

sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

"Why?"

The worker yelled back,

'Cause his wife's here with his lunch.

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