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Three vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The strongest one started first

"Watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Did you see that house over there?"

"Yes."

"Well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!"

"Wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"

Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck.

"What happened??" they asked.

"Did you see that village over there?"

"Yes."

"Well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!"

"Wow! Magnificent! Truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "Don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 10 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Do you see that big ass tree over there?"

"Yes!"

"Well, I didn't!"


Dean
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Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two slices of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.



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Reads like something Andrew Dice Clay might say during a performance. crazy


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A doctor at the asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ""Up nuts!"" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ""Down nuts!"" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ""Cheer nuts!"" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ""Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ""PEANUTS!!..


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There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.

They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest
igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.

"Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

"Wow, that's colder than mine! "said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.

He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
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A man walks into the bedroom where his wife is lying in bed, reading a magazine, eating a piece of chocolate cake, her hair in rollers, with the TV on.

He is holding a sheep under his arm.

He says, "Sweetie, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

The wife looks up and says "I have news for you...that's a sheep."

The husband says "I have news for YOU...I was talking to the sheep."



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My girlfriend sent me a text with a link attached to a fancy dress website with the message "this is waiting for you when you get home"

When I opened the link it was a picture of a girl in sexy nurses costume.

I texted back "Thanks very much, she's gorgeous!!

I have not got a reply yet


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A bit over the top.

Last edited by justbill; 01/21/15 06:03 PM.

[Linked Image from i26.servimg.com]
TouchPoint Networks.

Serving the Northwest Since 1991
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite counter tops.'


Scientists say that the universe is made up of Protons, Neutron & Electrons. They forgot "Morons".
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The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

“Come to bed, darling,” she whispered after some time had passed.

“Not likely,” replied the blond groom, “my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I’m not going to miss a minute of it!

edited to correct spelling

Last edited by Professor Shadow; 01/26/15 12:56 AM.

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Please don't confuse your "Internet Search" with my licenses, certifications and over 30 years experience.

"Thank you for calling Technical Support. If you feel you have reached this number in error, please hang up and press redial."
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